You are 'too right' to be Loved | Authored by Jatin Mathur

You are ‘too right’ to be loved

By: Jatin Mathur

I recently met this friend of mine who told me how it's hard for her to feel loved or believe her instincts about the right partner. Actually most probable partners seemed uninteresting to her after a point as it happens with most ‘nice guys’ or they were simply not her choice. However when I asked her about her previous partners or when I enquired about them, one pattern that I could notice was this consistent attraction towards slightly sadistic and distant individuals who seemed interesting to her and she was curious about them. This happens with most of us, we all fall for people who are adventurous in some sense, they are not just simple, sweet and caring people but with some sort of troubles in personalities. One reason can be these people may seem more confident and hence provide some sort of security. However this is not about attraction towards the confidence that comes along with these deviant personalities but some sort of familiarity that they bring. 

We are looking to recreate very feelings we experienced in childhood, which were not just limited to love and care. The love we experienced was confused with other perhaps more destructive dynamics, maybe that missing out on wanting to help an adult who has been out of control but not been able to do so, or maybe being insecure in communicating to your parents or being scared of them in some form. 

It's like if a person who had to leave home early during childhood remains deprived of motherly love and now the person may have an anxiety in falling in love with the girl who offers a motherly care as he/she is unfamiliar with that kind of love. The person who would offer a similar kind of trauma or may be avoidance of motherly feelings would seem better however when this initial phase passes it shall become a burden as one may still carry those void of emotional love and care that otherwise would have been satisfied with other unattractive but reliable partners.

Too often we say we fall in love at first sight. That's basically asking us to rely on our instincts to find the right partner, however mostly the idea about getting that organic feeling seems to be influenced by childhood memories and previous relationships that one had. 

We don't fall in love with people who care for us, but who care for us in familiar ways. There are instances when people are just not familiar with diverse forms of love especially when they are exposed to some sort of previous traumas or childhood deprivation. While there are people who are just excessively balanced, mature and reliable or too right that in our heart their rightness seems foriegn or unearned or may be you don't feel that love to be natural, which eventually means that your instinct doesn't validate your love and you eventually feel you don't feel naturally for that person.

The odd angle

People are often drawn to situations and relationships that feel familiar, even if they are not necessarily healthy. This is because familiarity can provide a sense of comfort and security. Early childhood experiences can shape our attachment styles, influencing our expectations and behaviors in adult relationships. Individuals with insecure attachment styles may be more likely to seek out partners who reinforce their negative self-perceptions. To choose partners wisely we need to tease out how certain compulsions to sufferings maybe playing some actual partners out in our feeling of attractions.